Two Month Slump

It has been almost two months since I moved to New York, and certain feelings are starting to arise. Feelings of discontent, of aloneness, of a lack of motivation. Today I found myself looking at pictures of interior design: of cozy homes that looked lived in and loved. I pored through the photos for about an hour until I realized what I was really doing. I was seeking comfort. I was seeking something, even just an image, of a place called HOME. I thought home wasn't necessarily a place I could pick up and take with me, but I thought it was at least a place where I was invested in mentally and spiritually. I thought that as long as I was whole and healthy in my new place, I would be home. All this is telling me now is that I sure as hell am not whole and healthy, and New York has yet to become my home.

I have meticulously decorated my room, I have gone to church (once), I have taken time to reflect and meditate, I have made friends who I am comfortable with, I have invested myself in my studies, I have tried to branch out into the city. I'm going through the actions. But the feeling of supreme satisfaction has yet to hit. That's the feeling of home that I'm missing. Home is a realization that when you mess up and when you do good there will always be people and feelings and spaces that will surround you with love, even in the most indirect ways. I sincerely miss my incredible family, my beautiful friends, my cuddly cat, my glorious backyard, and even my favorite coffee shop. I miss the comfort of the Sac State parking garage and the McKinley park rose garden. However, I'm not pining for those individual things. I don't want to go back to Sacramento, at least not right now. I want to bring those places and people here. My friends and family will continue to be with me wherever I am, if I allow them to live strong in my heart and mind. And the places I feel comfortable will morph into places I can go to in New York. My dorm room will become my haven, the Washington Square Park will be my McKinley.

I'm anxious and dissatisfied right now. I'm freaked out about trying to find a job, I'm balancing school work very delicately, and I'm nervous about making lasting friendships with people I really enjoy. But ultimately, I'm just trying to LIVE. Emilia Stawiki, an incredible friend of mine with a huge heart, visited me on Friday. Her positivity and enthusiasm for my current state of being was very "Emilia", but also very true. I have a great thing going here. I've made it two months without completely dissolving. I want to be here, and I'm doing it as best as I can right now. I will overcome my slump with time and patience. Really, the most important thing I can do right now is be me: 100% honest and genuine with myself. Everything else will fall into place.