The Early Bird Gets the Worm

I had an unexpectedly early start today. Somehow my early morning brain registered the 7:00 alarm (that I usually ignore) as 8:00, forcing my poor body to drag itself out of bed and scramble to get ready. Everything was normal- the amount of time it took me to get dressed, fix myself lunch, put makeup on, say hello to the security guard downstairs. I was even proud of myself for getting to campus in under 10 minutes.

The time keeper wished me a good morning, a good luck on midterms, and a happy Spring Break. I've never seen him so chipper, yelling a three minute warning to students rushing to their 8AM classes. It still didn't register that I wasn't supposed to be there for another hour. I sped towards the library in my black wedge boots.

The twelfth floor of Bobst knew better, though, not wanting to let me in as I repeatedly tried the code to open the door. I even clocked in. Absolutely no awareness that it said "8:03", not 9:03. Then my boss Marian saw me. Whoops. So I dragged myself (again) back downstairs, baffled by what I had done to myself. "What an awful start to this already long day," my brain told my body, "go get some coffee".

Took myself to Third Rail, joked about my time lapse error to the employees there. A nice looking man drinking a cappuccino suggested I may have jumped the gun on day-light savings time starting Sunday. We got into a lovely discussion about my studies, his (past) travels and education in Egypt, my Californian roots, his career switch from the UN into film (why was he wearing sunglasses the whole time? He must have been famous). We chatted for half an hour about the Middle East, what happens as you get older, my birthday, Prague, and I have to admit I was a bit charmed, and hoped he would exchange contact information. But the conversation drifted, we slipped into the digital abyss, and he just became another pleasant memory of a lovely encounter with people in NYC. He bid me a "have a nice day", I replied with a "nice talking with you". I finished my coffee and left.

So I'm back at Bobst to start my day again, but not wishing anymore to hit "reset". Beauty came to my cold and bright morning. The park was crisp and calm. So Beauty comes and Beauty goes fleetingly - always elusive, never on demand. And yet always right under the layer of our self-absorbed projections. God always working in mysterious ways to kick me out of my routine and back into this moment. Back into life.

I'm taking the beauty of this moment. Others blamed my roommates: "Maybe they played a prank on you". I wouldn't put it past them. But today I'm blaming God. The power that one hour had on my entire state of being doesn't come out of nothingness.

That extra gift of time... truly a gift.

Study Abroad: My Plea (aka Application)

My first post of my sophomore year of college and it's already the second semester. Damn. This may be a sign of why my topic is today: I have these questions inside me that I haven't been able to express in writing or even in myself. Have I lost myself? My spiritual practice? My limited wisdom? Or have I just lost my naiveté? Long story short, I am applying to Study Abroad.

It has been an important part of my educational experience that I go outside of my comfort zones. Coming from California to an entirely new city was one of the biggest tests of my strength and courage. Designing my own major in Gallatin has been another test; it has tested every conception I had about myself, my goals, my passions, and my future. After being here for almost two years now, I am exhilarated by the idea that I can continue pushing myself and continue to experience things that most people never have the opportunity to. Study abroad is one of those opportunities.

I am applying to NYU London because I am overwhelmed by the opportunities that come with that program: the ability to study philosophy and middle eastern politics is incredibly important to me, and the ability to travel within Europe is equally important. I have academic goals hand in hand with experiential goals in mind for my study abroad experience; that is the true meaning of education for me. I want to live and experience another culture, many cultures if I am able, and I want to learn from those cultures. I want to learn things about myself that I can only learn from going (once again) outside of my comfort zone and into a foreign environment.

I tend to over think things. I make lists, plan incessantly, and organize until there is nothing left to analyze or plan for. And then I keep planning. By the end of my freshman year I thought I had it all planned out: internship in the summer, study abroad in the spring. It wasn’t until I heard President John Sexton speak about his spirituality and his vision for our global university that I realized that I can’t plan everything, and I need to be open to changes and to diversity and to everything in this world. I have been planning so much and for so long that I began to loose sight of the opportunities and the beauty of this present moment. I need this more than anything… to take a leap of faith in myself and in my own abilities. I need to let go; I need to just live and trust that I am capable and powerful and can jet across the world without any doubts. I need this.

Robin Hood versus Materialism, round 1.

Gave a dollar to a homeless man today.

Wish I could have given more.

He was wearing an NYU sweatshirt, class of '69, and a Vietnam Veteran's cap.

He didn't ask for my dollar, and he assured me he was getting work soon,

hopefully next week over at Webster Hall once they got the new tile in, and that

he'd be seeing me over at the pub sooner than on the streets, again.

This man was a gentleman,

a good, honest man who life was hitting harder than others.

And all I can think is "I wanna be Robin Hood".

Take from the rich and give to the poor.

Because you don't need those calf-skin boots more than he needs a hot meal.

And materialism is a cold-hearted bitch.

Call me a bleeding heart,

But I want to give more.

I don't want to be bitter about money any more,

and I don't want to keep wishing I had more.

Because this world will eat us alive unless we step outside ourselves

and take a breath of fresh air.

That's really all it takes.

If I were to write my epilogue, it would go something like this:

I have enjoyed the sky during all of its phases.

Dawn. Day. Dusk. Evening. Midnight.

I have loved the sky.

loved its radiance, its dynamicism.

And just as I have loved and enjoyed the sky, I have loved and enjoyed

the earth, the wind,

the sea,

the animals,

and all of mankind.

I have loved.

A List

I decided a few days ago that I was going to set goals for myself that would help me maintain a healthy and balanced lifestyle. Here's what I've got so far:

1. Discover Things.

Just in general. In New York City, within myself, at NYU, about the current state of the world, etc.

2. Go to Yoga regularly.

For this one I have to find a good (free) yoga class that would fit into my schedule. And I also have to muster up the courage to walk around in the 20 degree weather in leggings. But hey! I've already got a yoga mat!

3. READ MORE.

I wrote this twice on my list not even realizing I had done so, so it must be important. This includes for school and for play. I'm already falling behind on this, but the goal is to spend less time lying in bed watching TV and more time engaging my brain. TV every once in a while is ok though :)

4. Do more arts and crafts.

I've already got a jump start on this one (see photo attached). The only thing will be trying not to let this goal take over all the other goals...

5. Finish learning Clair de Lune.

I don't think I'll ever truly be done with this piece, but I would really like to get it to the performance level by the end of the semester. It'll be good for my spirit, my piano skills, and my determination level.

6. Get money, get paid.

Job interviews have been successful so far, just waiting to hear back for the final decision. This is slightly out of my control at the moment, but I need to keep motivated and keep up my persistence!

7. Make peace with solitude.

Less of an actual goal, more of a mantra. I think numbers 3,4,5, and 6 will help keep me busy and distracted from the fact that I don't have many friends here. It will be my own personal strength, however, to keep me grounded and open, while at the same time understanding of the fact that good friends will come with time.

8.Go to church more often.

I went once, and enjoyed it. Since then I've been "too tired" or "too cold" or "too busy". Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

9. Get involved in clubs.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to the Cookies and Coloring club at Gallatin to make Valentines day cards for a children's hospital.

And finally:

10. Take every opportunity given.

I just gotta put myself out there, without hesitation. Unless, of course, it could be morally damaging, illegal, or life threatening.

I didn't plan for exactly 10, but there you go.

OH! an 11th:

11. Write more.

Haha I would have forgotten that one as I'm writing a blog post...

Here we go again...

Neuroscience.

Music Therapy.

Its is becoming more and more apparent that Neuroscience is not what I am passionate about. I sit in class completely bored by the reductionist descriptions of the brain; unenthused by the clinical explanations of a case study in which fMRI scans showed this and this...

Music Therapy, on the other hand, is exciting and productive. Interacting with people and helping people with their development as human beings with the involvement of music is awe-inspiring. The psychological aspect of it is a science in its own sense, but it also produces immediate effects. Neuroscience pokes and prods just to see neurons fire and sensors light up- where is the joy or music in that?

The Music Therapist who came into my Intro to Music Therapy class today really hit the nail on the head: The neurological research is extremely important for the development of music therapy as a profession and a science, but it would be a shame (not to mention counter-productive) to see music therapy go down a purely clinical road with prescriptions and pills for all our ailments. Music will never be able to be reduced to a pure science- there will always be a powerful mystery behind music that makes it an art... why would I want that to go down the wayside just for the sake of reductionistic scientific pursuits?

Which brings me to Religion. Oh boy. The things that I hold dearest to my heart are simple: music and my spirituality. The path I have set down (Neuroscience) has the potential to make me lose my faith, and quite frankly, I am scared to go down a professional path that simply has no room for spirituality or mystery. Sure, I want to discover things, but I don't want to lose my reverence or my submission to the higher powers in life in the process. So do I continue to pursue a field in which I am constantly reducing things to dirt, or do I explore the possibility of a field that is always looking up and out to the stars and beyond?

It seems my decision is clear. Perhaps I will find a better way to blend the neuroscience in with time in order to have a good balance, but for now: money and status can go to hell, I'm doin what I love!

It's time for a rant!

I think I hate college.

There, I said it. Its been a while since I last blogged, I know. I blame that on the fact that I've felt really directionless lately. Everything I tried to write felt pointless and asinine. But here I am. I'm accepting the fact that my college experience right now is not what I ever wanted for myself. I lack self confidence, I lack motivation, and I lack energy. Where did my passions go? Then again, where did my passions ever lie? I'm being dragged down by the weight of all the things I dislike about my current situation: The weather sucks... and is driving me to stay in my room 24/7... which is making me hate living in a one room apartment with a roommate and a disgusting bathroom and neighbors that decided to take up the flute and practice at obscene hours. I've applied to ten jobs and haven't heard back from a single one. My classes are, for the most part, uninspiring and making me reevaluate my entire line of study, which is scary and awful feeling. I hate that I'm spending so much money to be at this school when I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Even my hair is reflecting my mood: flat, stringy, and lifeless. I miss my friends and family that are energetic and full of love. I miss the outdoors and animals and healthy, good tasting food. I am constantly annoyed with the narcissistic, whiney, materialistic, self-righteous, megalomaniac hipsters that seem to make up the entire NYU population. Where is individuality? Where is truth and good will and pure, unadulterated happiness?

Honestly, I feel like I'm 45 years old and having a midlife crisis. I'm reevaluating everything I thought I wanted for myself. I spent the past two hours reading the Peace Corps website, because I'm starting to think that the 26 month program to drop me into an impoverished country might be a legitimate option for me once I graduate this obscenely expensive college I decided to attend. I really think my life is pathetic. I spend all my time daydreaming and hoping for something better to present itself to me, while in the meantime I'm doing my homework and making coffee and sometimes playing my keyboard. I'm sick of moping around and feeling like a child. I want to be a person my parents and friends can be proud of, a person I can be proud of. So I'm going to make a pact with myself. Starting today I'm going to make a list of what I'm going to do this semester to improve my situation. I am going to love and live and be happy and passionate and driven again. I may not have a long term plan yet, except for the fact that I am going to LIVE every day of my life the way I want it to be lived. I came to New York for a reason, and now I just have to rediscover what that reason is. This is going to be exciting. This is going to be good.

You'll be seeing more from me. That's a promise I'm going to keep.