Two Month Slump

It has been almost two months since I moved to New York, and certain feelings are starting to arise. Feelings of discontent, of aloneness, of a lack of motivation. Today I found myself looking at pictures of interior design: of cozy homes that looked lived in and loved. I pored through the photos for about an hour until I realized what I was really doing. I was seeking comfort. I was seeking something, even just an image, of a place called HOME. I thought home wasn't necessarily a place I could pick up and take with me, but I thought it was at least a place where I was invested in mentally and spiritually. I thought that as long as I was whole and healthy in my new place, I would be home. All this is telling me now is that I sure as hell am not whole and healthy, and New York has yet to become my home.

I have meticulously decorated my room, I have gone to church (once), I have taken time to reflect and meditate, I have made friends who I am comfortable with, I have invested myself in my studies, I have tried to branch out into the city. I'm going through the actions. But the feeling of supreme satisfaction has yet to hit. That's the feeling of home that I'm missing. Home is a realization that when you mess up and when you do good there will always be people and feelings and spaces that will surround you with love, even in the most indirect ways. I sincerely miss my incredible family, my beautiful friends, my cuddly cat, my glorious backyard, and even my favorite coffee shop. I miss the comfort of the Sac State parking garage and the McKinley park rose garden. However, I'm not pining for those individual things. I don't want to go back to Sacramento, at least not right now. I want to bring those places and people here. My friends and family will continue to be with me wherever I am, if I allow them to live strong in my heart and mind. And the places I feel comfortable will morph into places I can go to in New York. My dorm room will become my haven, the Washington Square Park will be my McKinley.

I'm anxious and dissatisfied right now. I'm freaked out about trying to find a job, I'm balancing school work very delicately, and I'm nervous about making lasting friendships with people I really enjoy. But ultimately, I'm just trying to LIVE. Emilia Stawiki, an incredible friend of mine with a huge heart, visited me on Friday. Her positivity and enthusiasm for my current state of being was very "Emilia", but also very true. I have a great thing going here. I've made it two months without completely dissolving. I want to be here, and I'm doing it as best as I can right now. I will overcome my slump with time and patience. Really, the most important thing I can do right now is be me: 100% honest and genuine with myself. Everything else will fall into place.

Some Things I'm Trying to Live By

20 Life Lessons a Wise Man Would Share

p.s. I did not write this. but i think its great, so there.

Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism. – Abraham Lincoln

No One is Perfect. The quicker this is realized the faster you can get on with being excellent. Start every morning ready to fight harder than you did the day before and run further than you ever imagine.

Avoid over explaining yourself. Be confident with who you are.

Keep balance in your life. Write down what’s most important to you and show up. Sometimes we tend to do the things that are most important to us when it’s written down.

Play the hand you were dealt. Have the courage to face challenges head on it builds character. Start looking for a way through instead of a way out.

Be a student of life. Learn something new every day. The day you stop learning is the day you become obsolete so keep learning.

No Excuses. Stop making excuses replace them with ways to do better. Excuses are a waste of time and energy.

Let others know where you Stand. Be uncompromising and be up front when someone steps on your core values.

Never be afraid of a challenge. You put on your shoes like every other man. Now it comes down to who wants it more.

Service to others. Small, simple or important be a volunteer and give the very best of you.

Work like hell. Everyone has a job to do so do it. Cross every “T” and dot every “I”.

Discover You. Find your passion, life purpose, and take action.

Don’t take it Personal. Don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself self confidence shows that you’re comfortable in your own skin.

Manage your time. Our situation and environment is ever changing so be careful not to confuse the things that are urgent with the things that are important. Look for time wasters and eliminate them.

Ask for help. Life can be tough remember you never have to do it alone.

Do your homework. Know what you getting into before you start. Doing your homework reduces uncertainty and fear.

Day Dream Often. On the weekend when you are relaxing embrace a day dream. During the week take action to preserve your dreams.

Be A HERO. Cultivate a healthy dose of forgiveness and set someone free. Learn to forgive others and stop carrying those bags of hate, guilt or regret.

Stay One Step Ahead. Be proactive, Take the initiative, Brainstorm with the big picture in mind.

Self Love. Become your own priority. Strive to be the you, you want to be.

Finish what you started. Avoid the urge to stray.

CONFESSION #2

Every morning, when I check the weather in New York, I check the weather in all the cities my best friends are in. Just to see what kind of mindset they might be in for the day.

CONFESSION

I haven't been in the library once since I've been here. It's not that I don't like libraries... It's just that Bobst is a big red rectangle of a building, and I'm scared of it.